User blog:JayJaytheJDFan/I don't belong here, do I?

I don't know where to begin. I don't know what topic I'm supposed to cover up. All I know is that I'm a total freak who has little to no friends. I blame this all on my autism. If I didn't have them, then everyone would be happy, but since I have it, people keep treating me like I'm a f***ing baby. Why couldn't I just be normal? I'm stuck being a stupid and clueless being who's just there to screw everything up. I keep thinking on the outside, people are trying to be "nice" to me, but on the inside, they're monsters who are really careless about me. I was left alone and bored most of the time during school, sometimes I like being left alone, but other times, I just needed a friend to talk to. At least my family and relatives care about me, and I have some people at school caring about me. However, I have unfortunate "friends" who are there just to mess with me. They think I'm that stupid when I could obviously tell they're toying with me. I know that people laugh at others for fun and/or jokes and all that, but here, it doesn't look at it. They like to tease and harass me, and they somehow get away with it, I can recall one moment where some bozo actually got caught teasing me. I dance, they laugh. I talk, they laugh. I cry because I'm whining over a stupid f***ing small thing, they laugh. They laugh, and laugh. I get called "weird" and "nasty" one time. Now they've matured, at least some of them. I keep thinking I don't belong here in this world, the negativity and the stress makes me think. I'm a high schooler, and I'm expected more work, and it's hard to do so. I sometimes even cut myself when I'm stressed. I have a mother who has anger issues. I don't blame her, I just think she needs to control her emotions. If she gets stressed, she'll yell and curse, at either herself and/or my siblings or me. She gets mad at small things, too. I get yelled at just for not taking out the trash, just because I lost my backpack once and more I'm just sitting here thinking, "what did I do wrong?", and "It's just a small thing." One time, I overheard her wishing death upon me and my siblings. That's how bad her anger is. My family is just dysfunctional. Nothing is normal every day. I have to listen to my siblings complain. They don't learn their lessons. I wish I didn't learn how to chat with people online, because some of them are filled with negativity. I keep seeing people in the comments of various sites, and there are cold, unappreciative, manipulative, and unwelcome people. They are mean, they cyberbullying,  and think it's a "joke". I thought the fandom was going to be peaceful, but there's drama everywhere and some users that are immature. Most of those users come from the modding community. I despise that community. It's the least welcoming community in the fandom. I really don't know why some people act like this. I don't know why I'm writing this, I just feel left out and and a complete joke. I sometimes like to strangle myself with something like a belt. I'm stupid and dumb. Do I belong here in this wiki? I guess not. My autism is the one thing that's keeping me away from having friends. I'm a freak. A loser. A cancerous cringeworthy piece of rat s**t. I feel like I'm going to change, but I fear I'm going to grow up as a sick and twisted manchild. If I write a comment, I'm afraid I might cause a mess.

I don't belong here.